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bookish_dragonWhat my fiancé said about this fic, when I showed it to him: "It's said that an infinite number of monkeys using an infinite number of typrewriters could produce the collected works of Shakespeare, given enough time. Frankly, one monkey with one typewriter is not going to cut it,... and it would write better than that." She's horrible, just horrible.
What really bugs me? She's obviously read the books. And she still writes this Valar-forsaken piece of claptrap.
Title: The story of a princess shield
Fandom: The box says Lord of the Rings. I call it false advertising.
CulpritAuthor: IceBend28
Full Name (plus titles if any): Nienna Telcontar.
Full Species(es): Human. Warrior!Timetravelling!Sue. I'm fearing 311 Walkers-fic.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Not mentioned, I'm assuming black.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Not mentioned, I'm assuming grey.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Not mentioned.
Special Possessions (if any): Ring of Barahir, Andúril, 300 Gondorian soldiers.
Annoying Origin: Claims kinship to Aragorn and Arwen.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: The aforementioned King and Queen of Gondor, who should have drowned her at birth.
Annoying Special Abilities: Elvish senses.
Other Annoying Traits: Mucks with canon, temporal and geographical distortions. Able to best her father in a duel. Random capitalisation. Random POV-changes. Bad emoetry.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
Prologue
A tall man waited outside a door with his three children waiting for a certain sound to be heard. He was a proud honorable man for his Name was King Aragorn Elessar of Gondor. His eldest child was Prince Elldarion, Who has taken the place of Eldarion His youngest children so far was Princess Celbrian And Arwen'd consent to naming a child after her mother, why? Elves don't do that. and Estel Hrmph. Then all four of them heard the sound that they were waiting for, a babies wail. Then as they wished it a nurse appeared out of thin air carrying out a baby girl and handed the baby over to her father, the king. When she looked up she smiled and giggled to see her daddy’s face and he laughed. Precocious little tyke, isn't she?
Then Aragorn said, “I shall Name thee Nienna which means sorrowful Strong”. Euhm, what? Being made King must have robbed Aragorn of his senses. Naming a child after one of the Valar? Like Hell, he would. And the closest translation we have of Nienna's name is 'She Who Weeps.'
Then he walked into the room and to his wife’s bedside and told her the child’s name and was promptly bitchslapped by an outraged Arwen.
Chapter one: Sixteen years latter
Training hall
A girl and a boy were squaring off each other using sandblasters to get rid of the rough edges, attacking and parrying here and there. The girl by the looks of it was winning. All of a sudden the sword flew out of the boys hand and landed a few feet back but before he could get it the girl’s sword tip was presented at his neck. He had lost.
“Do you Yield?” she asked.
“Yes, I yield.” He replied. No use arguing with a Sue. She'll just tantrum.
Then she picked up his sword and gave it to him. All of a sudden she spun around to hear applause at her victory. For she beat the best of the boys swordsmen, her brother, Elldarion. And Eldarion is still safe in canon-land. She smiled to see that her father was there to see one of her victories She beat her brother. Spectacular. and walked over to him and bowed for he was King Elessar and sheis was Princess Nienna.
He said, “I well named you strong, Mistress.”
“And you Papa are well named Elfstone.” What does this have to do with anything? She retorted.
Then he brightened up and said, “I have two gifts to give you. I give my ring Barahir, from the days before the War of the Ring, and the sword Anduril.”
“Why Give me this sword and ring for I am not the heir.” Asked Nienna. Wow, a small glimmer of intelligence.
“Because this gift includes a responsibility or a job you may call it. Your new responsibility is that you are, a new captain of Gondor, And the Ring and the Sword relate to this, how, your Majesty? Inquiring sporkers want to know. Your Brother refused the gifts and asked if you could have the gifts. You’re responsible for three hundred men and women. With these three hundred men or women you are to patrol the realm.”
All right. The Ring of Barahir is the symbol of the Kingship. There's no way in Aman that Eldarion'd refuse it. Not to mention that he'd never get the chance to refuse it. When he becomes King in 120 FA, he'll get it. Period. And why is Aragorn giving away Andúril?
“I understand my job, Father.” I Answered. And here we start with the change in tenses. I'm going to be ill.
*snip to next morning*
Morning came bright and early as I dressed. On my belt was Anduril, an axe, and on my back were a cloak, a bow, and arrows, and on my finger was my fathers ring. Then I went to the dinning so called due to all the noise hall to eat breakfast when a servant came into her path and told her to go to soldier’s mess hall. The mess hall was loud and noisy with soldiers talking about a new captain.
A seat at the dais was empty and the other captains waved her over to sit at the empty seat.
When she sat a captain said to her, “Well me’ Lad so you’re the new captain of the second patrol. Eh? Who are ye?”
“I am Nienna and I am a girl not a lad. So I am sorry forthatbeing a Sue. Oh wait, that's not right..” I said with a hint of sarcasm as I ate the meal.
The captain who spoke to her earlier said, “Well Lass, are you one of our princess one of them, what? Pwincess Pwecious??”
“Maybe, I don’t know. What do you think?” she replied. There are so many women named Nienna wearing Rings of Barahir around, after all.
There were nine other captains other than her. This meant that there were ten captains and the total group of men/women is 3,000, adding the captains it’s 3,010. for those who can't count, like the Suethor.
*snip. The soldiers get sorted into patrols.*
A man shouted, “Over here newbie this is the second patrol group nicknamed the King’s Riders, I am second in command of this group, the names’ Leron.”
“The names’ most feverish wish for Nienna is for her to bugger off and leave the Vala alone,” Said Nienna, “I hope you can show me some of the ropes around here. Sue, there's one over there. Now go hang yourself. For the rest of you, I do not want pranks and tricks played upon me because I ‘m the new one here. Now on to more important matters the king put us to. Our job is going to be ruffled feathers and muddy so pay attention. Our duty is to help the people of Edoinoras Where? Edoras? in the country of Rohan rebuild their homes due to flood.” When did she get these orders? Very nice of Gondor to help out in Rohan, but this is not the UN Peacecorps, and I don't know how much carpenter-knowledge the troop has.
A moan from all three hundred Riders was heard from all corners of Minas Trilith. So that’s what I am dealing with, thought Nienna, a Bunch of lazy bums, who just like doing the heroics and not the jobs you get your hands dirty in. “Please, just let me speak before we go to Rohan we will make a detour to Ithillien, to deliver a message to the Prince Faramir. *weeps for the poor comma.* Thank you.”
Chapter two: Two days later.
Borders of Ithillien
I got up early the next day to start again towards Ithillien but before that they had to eat so I was to make breakfast with Leron and two others. Four people making breakfast for 300 men. And this is a Captain's job, how? The two others introduced themselves as Kiranna and Kiron a set of fraternal twins who were the basic mirror image twins. Highly unlikely, if they're fraternal twins.
One of the twins Kiron I believe asked, “Could you recite a poem for us, Nienna?” Because this is the most important part of being a Captain: the ability to recite poems.
“Sure. It is called Life is…a bitch and then you die. Die Sue!. I made it up myself We can tell, dearie. *snip poem.* It's just bad and insipid. Well how do you like the poem?” I asked then I noticed that I gathered more audience then I thought because during the poem I guessed they came out of their tents to listen. Of course. Who needs sleep?
“It was powerful.” Said everyone there in unison. Sniffling bootlicking sycophants.
Later, everyone was getting on their horses; I saw that someone had put a note on my back that said ‘kick me.’ Kick Me'-notes? This is the Gondorian Army, not high school! *my fiancé*: Pranks may occur, but they're likely to be more vicious So I went over to Leron and said, “Who do you think did this is?”
“William probably did it. He is this patrols practical joker, or clown you could say. He probably did it as a joke to keep you on your toes.” Whispered Leron and he looked at my giant booger I'd only just picked out of my nose on my finger. “Permission, to speak freely, mam?” She's too young to be your mother, sonny.
“Permission granted Leron.” I replied, suddenly the feeling that I will regret my agreement came over me.
“Are you perchance Princess Nienna?” See the astounding perceptiveness of the typical Gondorian soldier! Like her father dropping by to tell everyone to take it easy on her wasn't hint enough. Or her name!
“Yes.” Then he gaped at me in wonder, so I walked to my horse and got on.
I went to the front of the line and rallied my group. Then Leron rode up to meet her and said, “Why at the very least you did not at least tell me I could understand why you didn’t tell the others.”
“I did not tell you because you may act like I’m all that important and royal, I hate that.” Liar, liar, pants on fire!
And that I thought, would be the end of that discussion.
*snip arriving at Faramir's castle, after a few hours of riding. Sue gets greeted by Faramir, Éowyn and their twin-children, Erin and Boromir. Nienna has a conversation with daughter Erin about who Nienna's going to marry. *
As the day drawn to a close I had to get ready for a ball they had planned A.) To let me meet new people, B.) For me to share the Message in front of the whole entire Ithillien court. I first took a bath because I had not taken one for a couple of days. I quickly slipped into my black and silver dress the colors of the royal house of Gondor. After I put on the dress I put a black velvet cape on my back and to secure the cape I put a silver brooch threw the top corners. I then put a belt on that held my sword Anduril, and then put the ring Barahir on my finger. Finally I put silver tiara like crown on my head. They're travelling to Rohan to help out, but she has time to go to a ball? And she lugged her fancy clothes around with her?
The palace’s ballroom was splendid looking. There were well carved stair cases with intricate designs drawn on the railings. There were balconies with flowers growing all over the railings and wall. Arches surrounded the ballroom a big candle chandelier was in the middle of the ceiling, a band to left and to the right a table set with trays of food was what she Who? Bloody POV-shifts. saw when she walked into the room it was also already packed and hard to breathe in.
Too crowded, just to see me, I thought. My thoughts exactly. Where did everyone come from, anyway? When was all this arranged?
Then Faramir announced, “Our royal guest has a message to deliver to us, Ithilliens.”
“I am Princess Nienna of Gondor, and my message is just to warn you, you who care I mean, that the Queen Arwen is pregnant with a boy.” I said. A. There was only one son born to Aragorn and Arwen: Eldarion. B. Why is this a warning?
Then the ball continued, with people talking and saying, “Wow, five children the biggest family in Gondor’s royal house yet, but I thought their fifth child would be a girl too. But having a boy is still wonderful too.” An heir and a spare. Luvverly.
The dance lasted all night. Many men asked to dance with me but I refused to some that I thought that might not be so wise to dance with. Why? A little explanation would be nice.
Chapter three: Rohan
Our first stop in Rohan was Edoras to ask permission to give help to the town My apologies, Edoinoras isn't a misspelling then. that flooded. When we got to Edoras there was a big welcome for us. As we reached Meadusil Meduseld, I bowed low to King Eomer and Queen Lothloreil Lothlíriel, and to their son (I Forget his name at the moment and yet you mention it in the next sentence. It's called proofreading, and acquiring a beta.). King Eomer said to me, “You do not need to bow to me Nienna, you and your groups help is more the welcome to me who is swamped with a lot more problems already, but I would have you take my son, Elfwine, with you. Deep breaths, Éomer king. He knows the land better than you do.” He then left with his queen to let me talk to Elfwine alone.
“Suilad, it mean greetings in Sindarin. My name is Nienna Telcontar. My last name means Strider.” I said uneasily not knowing what do next or what to say. Because I'm always assuming I have to be condescending about the fact I speak Sindarin.
“So you are the little rascal that everyone talks about at Gondor’s court. Always running about with sword in hand, helping others where it doesn’t concern you.” Said Elfwine looking at his fingers. Brat.
“Well, I thought you would have more manners than what they say at court. They say you have less manners than a horses behind, not only that they say that you are uncoothed, stupid, and makes the wrong decisions. They also say you would make a very bad king. Mîbo orch! (Go kiss an orc). Á lasta lalienya! (Listen to my laughter!) Holmelya ná ve orco! (Your smell is like an orc!).” I replied as I cursed down the hall. Double brat. And stop it with the in-sentence translations! She has paid more attention to her swords-master than to the master of etiquette, I see. Very diplomatic, and she got sent here, because...?
“What the heck did you say in elvish, the ‘dead language’?” Elfwine said and walked out of the rooms. Elves might be Fading from the world, but they're not gone yet. Eru, there's a whole lot of them living in Ithilien! Your name means 'Elf-friend'! Why treat it like ancient Sumerian?
*snip* Elfwine gets sent out with Nienna's troops, and they head for the flooded town. Night falls, and they set up camp in the westfold. There's whining by Elfwine, and an admonishment by Nienna.*
I had a strange dream. It was like walking into reality in the past that was not true now. Bwuh? But when I woke up I saw the roof of the tent and I was heavy with sweat. So I changed into my riders outfit and walked out of my tent and started to take down my tent like everyone else. Today I felt like something was going to happen. Something extraordinary and unusual. We mounted our horses and started riding after a quick break for breakfast.
The horses were rest less and frightened of something we and the horses did not know. A mist started Oh, my sweet Dark Powers! Have you come to release Middle-earth from the Sue and dump her in the Demiplane of Dread? Falkovnia's nice this time of year, and they can always use more fighters. gathering as we rode to the center it came to a sudden end, but the mist was still behind us and then it disappeared and it was a sunny forest. A sunny forest? Where did that come from? Beats us. There's no forest where you've gone to. But my elvish senses told me that I was in the past and not in Rohan anymore. Oh no, you don't. What elvish senses? Arwen being your mother does not make you a half-elf. She gave up her immortality for love, and hence her offspring are, for all intents and purposes, human. Besides, Galadriel was the Seer of the family, and she'd be disgusted to find out you're her great-granddaughter. So I told them that and they agreed upon that now all we had to do was to figure out where we are, what year, and how to get back. Also note that none of them panic, or worry about sorcery of any kind. No, we just believe what our Captain-of-the-awful-poems tells us. Sheep!
But our first problem was to get out of the forest. So we decided to go west, first. It took us two hours to get to the edge of the forest. At the edge of the forest there was a pretty old road. So we decided to go down the road. It was an hour before we ran into elves going the opposite way and asked them to stay with our group for the night and the elves accepted the offer. Why aren't the Elves weary of a troop of 300 soldiers suddenly appearing in their path? Gondorian soldiers, a long way from home?
I asked one elf while we were making dinner, where we were. He said we were near Rivendale not to be confused with Rivendell, which is where canon was headed., and if we continued down the road for two days we would find a path to get across there and say Glorfindal sent us. Elrond was to hold a council there in a month. I then asked Glorfindal what day and year it was because we lost track of time, which was true to some degree. He said it was the twelfth of October of the year of the third age, 3018. No, no, no. On the 12th of October Glorfindel was near the Last Bridge, securing it for Aragorn and the Hobbits. There was no plan for a frigging Council at this point. Why does he tell this to a complete stranger, anyway? And the Council took place on the 25th of October, which is two weeks from this date. Oh, wait, this is Glorfindal, his naïve and stupid twin-brother. No wonder.
So mother and father are alive in this time period and we are twenty-eight years into the past, I thought. Then the elves started to sing to us in return of our hospitality. They sang;
“Lairë Telcontaro
Ilya i ná malta úmirilya,
lá ilyë yantë ranya nar vanwë;
i tulca enwinawë úquela, nurë sundar arahtier lá ringwenen.
Erinillon nárë núva coivana,
cala lumbellon tuiuva;
encarna núva macil i né rácina,
i úrína ata núva aran.”
*snip translation of poem, since it's what Bilbo wrote about the Dúnedain. 'All that's gold does not glitter.'*
The next morning our guest The other Elves had legged it when they saw Nienna for the Sue she was. left us to ponder our thoughts.
“Who was the riddle talking about?” Wondered Leron aloud.
“It was talking about my father, Leron, in the days before my father became king he was a dunedian Dúnedain chieftain. He had many names in Bree he was known as Strider. To the elves of Rivendale he was Estel. In Rohan he was known as Throngol Thorongil. He's your father, get his names straight.. In Gondor he is known as Elessar the Elfstone. But his true name is Aragorn II son of Arathorn II. He's been King for 27 years. One would think his subjects know his father's name by now. In this time period he is known as Aragorn or Strider.” I told Leron and the others.
We then decided to pack up camp and head on to Rivendale. The rode was long and rough. The pebbles in our horses shoes made us stop numerous times and by the twentieth time we stopped people were starting to get annoyed and grumpy. It was not a pleasant journey, nor was it the next day. Take the stones out, then. Bloody animal-abuse, this is.
After stopping for the day, I led a hunting party into the woods What woods? We're at the footfalls of the Misty Mountains here. Scarce in forest. and came back with three deer for 302 people? Yeah, right. and handed them to the people in our group to butcher them. After the deer were butchered we cooked the deer. That was when something strange happened. It sounded like a high pitched scream but I knew it was the Ringwraiths. How? They were gone by the time you were born. After 5 minutes of waiting we saw them. They came riding down the road beside us and they didn’t even notice us. No, they didn't bother you, since they care about the Ring for now. Not the same thing. That was a big wake up call for my men.
The next day we arrived at Rivendale and told the guards that Glorfindale Glorfindel's other twin-brother. His parents had little imagination when it came to naming children. told us to come here. Me and my men and Elfwine met Elrond. It was weird meeting my grandfather. He was a tall even among elves, he had dark hair, and sea gray eyes.
“Welcome, to Rivendale, Captain Nienna Telcontar and you riders. Please make your self comfortable. In a couple of days there Glorfindal said 'In a month.' Why is she getting invited to a Council that at this point wasn't even planned yet? will be a council and you captain and one of your friends may join you. My elves will show your riders to the barracks Rivendell has barracks? When did the Last Homely House turn into a military garrison? And again, why does no-one question the appearance of 300 Gondorian soldiers? How come Elrond isn't surprised at her A. sharing the name of a Vala, B. sharing the name of Aragorn, when he knows the ranger doesn't have children, or any siblings., and my daughter, Arwen So she'll have something to do besides being pretty. will show you captain to your rooms.” Said the Elf lord.
While Arwen (my mothers younger self No, really?) was leading me to my rooms I asked her questions about Rivendale. When we ran into my Dad’s younger self. I notice my mother blush and helped him up. They've been in a relationship for about forty years. One would think the stage of hopeless infatuation is over by now. Dad turned twords me and asked, “Who are you?”
“I am Nienna.”
“Nienna do you know how to use the sword by your side?” Father said scornfully. And Chauvinistic!Aragorn rides again! He shouldn't even be here. Oh wait, that's canon again.
He doesn’t believe I can use the sword, two he doesn’t even notice who the sword is There's no such thing as intelligent swords in Middle-earth, dearie. And Narsil doesn't get reforged until mid-December. What does this mean for the Ring of Barahir, though? There's now two copies of it around., I thought.
“Yes of course, why else would I wear it? If it’s a challenge you want it’s a challenge you’ll get.” I said as I unsheathed my blade.
“Very well, I accept your challenge.”
We squared off in the hall, it was a brilliant fight but I knew more tricks then he could guess. In the end I won. *brain breaks.* Here we have a mere chit of a girl, fighting a man who's way more experienced than she is, what with defending the North and all, who can face Ringwraiths and not die on the spot, and he loses? Because she knows tricks? Tell me, Sue, can you play dead? Now, can you go off and die? I was shown to my rooms.
Taking a bath never felt so good. It felt weird not being able to call my mom and dad by those names. What names?
I feel something more than just a headache coming on. This fic made my head explode.
*sporker gets carted off to the Houses of Healing for recovery.*
Crossposted to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
deleterius under my old LJ-name.
What really bugs me? She's obviously read the books. And she still writes this Valar-forsaken piece of claptrap.
Title: The story of a princess shield
Fandom: The box says Lord of the Rings. I call it false advertising.
Full Name (plus titles if any): Nienna Telcontar.
Full Species(es): Human. Warrior!Timetravelling!Sue. I'm fearing 311 Walkers-fic.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Not mentioned, I'm assuming black.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Not mentioned, I'm assuming grey.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Not mentioned.
Special Possessions (if any): Ring of Barahir, Andúril, 300 Gondorian soldiers.
Annoying Origin: Claims kinship to Aragorn and Arwen.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: The aforementioned King and Queen of Gondor, who should have drowned her at birth.
Annoying Special Abilities: Elvish senses.
Other Annoying Traits: Mucks with canon, temporal and geographical distortions. Able to best her father in a duel. Random capitalisation. Random POV-changes. Bad emoetry.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
Prologue
A tall man waited outside a door with his three children waiting for a certain sound to be heard. He was a proud honorable man for his Name was King Aragorn Elessar of Gondor. His eldest child was Prince Elldarion, Who has taken the place of Eldarion His youngest children so far was Princess Celbrian And Arwen'd consent to naming a child after her mother, why? Elves don't do that. and Estel Hrmph. Then all four of them heard the sound that they were waiting for, a babies wail. Then as they wished it a nurse appeared out of thin air carrying out a baby girl and handed the baby over to her father, the king. When she looked up she smiled and giggled to see her daddy’s face and he laughed. Precocious little tyke, isn't she?
Then Aragorn said, “I shall Name thee Nienna which means sorrowful Strong”. Euhm, what? Being made King must have robbed Aragorn of his senses. Naming a child after one of the Valar? Like Hell, he would. And the closest translation we have of Nienna's name is 'She Who Weeps.'
Then he walked into the room and to his wife’s bedside and told her the child’s name and was promptly bitchslapped by an outraged Arwen.
Chapter one: Sixteen years latter
Training hall
A girl and a boy were squaring off each other using sandblasters to get rid of the rough edges, attacking and parrying here and there. The girl by the looks of it was winning. All of a sudden the sword flew out of the boys hand and landed a few feet back but before he could get it the girl’s sword tip was presented at his neck. He had lost.
“Do you Yield?” she asked.
“Yes, I yield.” He replied. No use arguing with a Sue. She'll just tantrum.
Then she picked up his sword and gave it to him. All of a sudden she spun around to hear applause at her victory. For she beat the best of the boys swordsmen, her brother, Elldarion. And Eldarion is still safe in canon-land. She smiled to see that her father was there to see one of her victories She beat her brother. Spectacular. and walked over to him and bowed for he was King Elessar and she
He said, “I well named you strong, Mistress.”
“And you Papa are well named Elfstone.” What does this have to do with anything? She retorted.
Then he brightened up and said, “I have two gifts to give you. I give my ring Barahir, from the days before the War of the Ring, and the sword Anduril.”
“Why Give me this sword and ring for I am not the heir.” Asked Nienna. Wow, a small glimmer of intelligence.
“Because this gift includes a responsibility or a job you may call it. Your new responsibility is that you are, a new captain of Gondor, And the Ring and the Sword relate to this, how, your Majesty? Inquiring sporkers want to know. Your Brother refused the gifts and asked if you could have the gifts. You’re responsible for three hundred men and women. With these three hundred men or women you are to patrol the realm.”
All right. The Ring of Barahir is the symbol of the Kingship. There's no way in Aman that Eldarion'd refuse it. Not to mention that he'd never get the chance to refuse it. When he becomes King in 120 FA, he'll get it. Period. And why is Aragorn giving away Andúril?
“I understand my job, Father.” I Answered. And here we start with the change in tenses. I'm going to be ill.
*snip to next morning*
Morning came bright and early as I dressed. On my belt was Anduril, an axe, and on my back were a cloak, a bow, and arrows, and on my finger was my fathers ring. Then I went to the dinning so called due to all the noise hall to eat breakfast when a servant came into her path and told her to go to soldier’s mess hall. The mess hall was loud and noisy with soldiers talking about a new captain.
A seat at the dais was empty and the other captains waved her over to sit at the empty seat.
When she sat a captain said to her, “Well me’ Lad so you’re the new captain of the second patrol. Eh? Who are ye?”
“I am Nienna and I am a girl not a lad. So I am sorry for
The captain who spoke to her earlier said, “Well Lass, are you one of our princess one of them, what? Pwincess Pwecious??”
“Maybe, I don’t know. What do you think?” she replied. There are so many women named Nienna wearing Rings of Barahir around, after all.
There were nine other captains other than her. This meant that there were ten captains and the total group of men/women is 3,000, adding the captains it’s 3,010. for those who can't count, like the Suethor.
*snip. The soldiers get sorted into patrols.*
A man shouted, “Over here newbie this is the second patrol group nicknamed the King’s Riders, I am second in command of this group, the names’ Leron.”
“The names’ most feverish wish for Nienna is for her to bugger off and leave the Vala alone,” Said Nienna, “I hope you can show me some of the ropes around here. Sue, there's one over there. Now go hang yourself. For the rest of you, I do not want pranks and tricks played upon me because I ‘m the new one here. Now on to more important matters the king put us to. Our job is going to be ruffled feathers and muddy so pay attention. Our duty is to help the people of Edoinoras Where? Edoras? in the country of Rohan rebuild their homes due to flood.” When did she get these orders? Very nice of Gondor to help out in Rohan, but this is not the UN Peacecorps, and I don't know how much carpenter-knowledge the troop has.
A moan from all three hundred Riders was heard from all corners of Minas Trilith. So that’s what I am dealing with, thought Nienna, a Bunch of lazy bums, who just like doing the heroics and not the jobs you get your hands dirty in. “Please, just let me speak before we go to Rohan we will make a detour to Ithillien, to deliver a message to the Prince Faramir. *weeps for the poor comma.* Thank you.”
Chapter two: Two days later.
Borders of Ithillien
I got up early the next day to start again towards Ithillien but before that they had to eat so I was to make breakfast with Leron and two others. Four people making breakfast for 300 men. And this is a Captain's job, how? The two others introduced themselves as Kiranna and Kiron a set of fraternal twins who were the basic mirror image twins. Highly unlikely, if they're fraternal twins.
One of the twins Kiron I believe asked, “Could you recite a poem for us, Nienna?” Because this is the most important part of being a Captain: the ability to recite poems.
“Sure. It is called Life is…a bitch and then you die. Die Sue!. I made it up myself We can tell, dearie. *snip poem.* It's just bad and insipid. Well how do you like the poem?” I asked then I noticed that I gathered more audience then I thought because during the poem I guessed they came out of their tents to listen. Of course. Who needs sleep?
“It was powerful.” Said everyone there in unison. Sniffling bootlicking sycophants.
Later, everyone was getting on their horses; I saw that someone had put a note on my back that said ‘kick me.’ Kick Me'-notes? This is the Gondorian Army, not high school! *my fiancé*: Pranks may occur, but they're likely to be more vicious So I went over to Leron and said, “Who do you think did this is?”
“William probably did it. He is this patrols practical joker, or clown you could say. He probably did it as a joke to keep you on your toes.” Whispered Leron and he looked at my giant booger I'd only just picked out of my nose on my finger. “Permission, to speak freely, mam?” She's too young to be your mother, sonny.
“Permission granted Leron.” I replied, suddenly the feeling that I will regret my agreement came over me.
“Are you perchance Princess Nienna?” See the astounding perceptiveness of the typical Gondorian soldier! Like her father dropping by to tell everyone to take it easy on her wasn't hint enough. Or her name!
“Yes.” Then he gaped at me in wonder, so I walked to my horse and got on.
I went to the front of the line and rallied my group. Then Leron rode up to meet her and said, “Why at the very least you did not at least tell me I could understand why you didn’t tell the others.”
“I did not tell you because you may act like I’m all that important and royal, I hate that.” Liar, liar, pants on fire!
And that I thought, would be the end of that discussion.
*snip arriving at Faramir's castle, after a few hours of riding. Sue gets greeted by Faramir, Éowyn and their twin-children, Erin and Boromir. Nienna has a conversation with daughter Erin about who Nienna's going to marry. *
As the day drawn to a close I had to get ready for a ball they had planned A.) To let me meet new people, B.) For me to share the Message in front of the whole entire Ithillien court. I first took a bath because I had not taken one for a couple of days. I quickly slipped into my black and silver dress the colors of the royal house of Gondor. After I put on the dress I put a black velvet cape on my back and to secure the cape I put a silver brooch threw the top corners. I then put a belt on that held my sword Anduril, and then put the ring Barahir on my finger. Finally I put silver tiara like crown on my head. They're travelling to Rohan to help out, but she has time to go to a ball? And she lugged her fancy clothes around with her?
The palace’s ballroom was splendid looking. There were well carved stair cases with intricate designs drawn on the railings. There were balconies with flowers growing all over the railings and wall. Arches surrounded the ballroom a big candle chandelier was in the middle of the ceiling, a band to left and to the right a table set with trays of food was what she Who? Bloody POV-shifts. saw when she walked into the room it was also already packed and hard to breathe in.
Too crowded, just to see me, I thought. My thoughts exactly. Where did everyone come from, anyway? When was all this arranged?
Then Faramir announced, “Our royal guest has a message to deliver to us, Ithilliens.”
“I am Princess Nienna of Gondor, and my message is just to warn you, you who care I mean, that the Queen Arwen is pregnant with a boy.” I said. A. There was only one son born to Aragorn and Arwen: Eldarion. B. Why is this a warning?
Then the ball continued, with people talking and saying, “Wow, five children the biggest family in Gondor’s royal house yet, but I thought their fifth child would be a girl too. But having a boy is still wonderful too.” An heir and a spare. Luvverly.
The dance lasted all night. Many men asked to dance with me but I refused to some that I thought that might not be so wise to dance with. Why? A little explanation would be nice.
Chapter three: Rohan
Our first stop in Rohan was Edoras to ask permission to give help to the town My apologies, Edoinoras isn't a misspelling then. that flooded. When we got to Edoras there was a big welcome for us. As we reached Meadusil Meduseld, I bowed low to King Eomer and Queen Lothloreil Lothlíriel, and to their son (I Forget his name at the moment and yet you mention it in the next sentence. It's called proofreading, and acquiring a beta.). King Eomer said to me, “You do not need to bow to me Nienna, you and your groups help is more the welcome to me who is swamped with a lot more problems already, but I would have you take my son, Elfwine, with you. Deep breaths, Éomer king. He knows the land better than you do.” He then left with his queen to let me talk to Elfwine alone.
“Suilad, it mean greetings in Sindarin. My name is Nienna Telcontar. My last name means Strider.” I said uneasily not knowing what do next or what to say. Because I'm always assuming I have to be condescending about the fact I speak Sindarin.
“So you are the little rascal that everyone talks about at Gondor’s court. Always running about with sword in hand, helping others where it doesn’t concern you.” Said Elfwine looking at his fingers. Brat.
“Well, I thought you would have more manners than what they say at court. They say you have less manners than a horses behind, not only that they say that you are uncoothed, stupid, and makes the wrong decisions. They also say you would make a very bad king. Mîbo orch! (Go kiss an orc). Á lasta lalienya! (Listen to my laughter!) Holmelya ná ve orco! (Your smell is like an orc!).” I replied as I cursed down the hall. Double brat. And stop it with the in-sentence translations! She has paid more attention to her swords-master than to the master of etiquette, I see. Very diplomatic, and she got sent here, because...?
“What the heck did you say in elvish, the ‘dead language’?” Elfwine said and walked out of the rooms. Elves might be Fading from the world, but they're not gone yet. Eru, there's a whole lot of them living in Ithilien! Your name means 'Elf-friend'! Why treat it like ancient Sumerian?
*snip* Elfwine gets sent out with Nienna's troops, and they head for the flooded town. Night falls, and they set up camp in the westfold. There's whining by Elfwine, and an admonishment by Nienna.*
I had a strange dream. It was like walking into reality in the past that was not true now. Bwuh? But when I woke up I saw the roof of the tent and I was heavy with sweat. So I changed into my riders outfit and walked out of my tent and started to take down my tent like everyone else. Today I felt like something was going to happen. Something extraordinary and unusual. We mounted our horses and started riding after a quick break for breakfast.
The horses were rest less and frightened of something we and the horses did not know. A mist started Oh, my sweet Dark Powers! Have you come to release Middle-earth from the Sue and dump her in the Demiplane of Dread? Falkovnia's nice this time of year, and they can always use more fighters. gathering as we rode to the center it came to a sudden end, but the mist was still behind us and then it disappeared and it was a sunny forest. A sunny forest? Where did that come from? Beats us. There's no forest where you've gone to. But my elvish senses told me that I was in the past and not in Rohan anymore. Oh no, you don't. What elvish senses? Arwen being your mother does not make you a half-elf. She gave up her immortality for love, and hence her offspring are, for all intents and purposes, human. Besides, Galadriel was the Seer of the family, and she'd be disgusted to find out you're her great-granddaughter. So I told them that and they agreed upon that now all we had to do was to figure out where we are, what year, and how to get back. Also note that none of them panic, or worry about sorcery of any kind. No, we just believe what our Captain-of-the-awful-poems tells us. Sheep!
But our first problem was to get out of the forest. So we decided to go west, first. It took us two hours to get to the edge of the forest. At the edge of the forest there was a pretty old road. So we decided to go down the road. It was an hour before we ran into elves going the opposite way and asked them to stay with our group for the night and the elves accepted the offer. Why aren't the Elves weary of a troop of 300 soldiers suddenly appearing in their path? Gondorian soldiers, a long way from home?
I asked one elf while we were making dinner, where we were. He said we were near Rivendale not to be confused with Rivendell, which is where canon was headed., and if we continued down the road for two days we would find a path to get across there and say Glorfindal sent us. Elrond was to hold a council there in a month. I then asked Glorfindal what day and year it was because we lost track of time, which was true to some degree. He said it was the twelfth of October of the year of the third age, 3018. No, no, no. On the 12th of October Glorfindel was near the Last Bridge, securing it for Aragorn and the Hobbits. There was no plan for a frigging Council at this point. Why does he tell this to a complete stranger, anyway? And the Council took place on the 25th of October, which is two weeks from this date. Oh, wait, this is Glorfindal, his naïve and stupid twin-brother. No wonder.
So mother and father are alive in this time period and we are twenty-eight years into the past, I thought. Then the elves started to sing to us in return of our hospitality. They sang;
“Lairë Telcontaro
Ilya i ná malta úmirilya,
lá ilyë yantë ranya nar vanwë;
i tulca enwinawë úquela, nurë sundar arahtier lá ringwenen.
Erinillon nárë núva coivana,
cala lumbellon tuiuva;
encarna núva macil i né rácina,
i úrína ata núva aran.”
*snip translation of poem, since it's what Bilbo wrote about the Dúnedain. 'All that's gold does not glitter.'*
The next morning our guest The other Elves had legged it when they saw Nienna for the Sue she was. left us to ponder our thoughts.
“Who was the riddle talking about?” Wondered Leron aloud.
“It was talking about my father, Leron, in the days before my father became king he was a dunedian Dúnedain chieftain. He had many names in Bree he was known as Strider. To the elves of Rivendale he was Estel. In Rohan he was known as Throngol Thorongil. He's your father, get his names straight.. In Gondor he is known as Elessar the Elfstone. But his true name is Aragorn II son of Arathorn II. He's been King for 27 years. One would think his subjects know his father's name by now. In this time period he is known as Aragorn or Strider.” I told Leron and the others.
We then decided to pack up camp and head on to Rivendale. The rode was long and rough. The pebbles in our horses shoes made us stop numerous times and by the twentieth time we stopped people were starting to get annoyed and grumpy. It was not a pleasant journey, nor was it the next day. Take the stones out, then. Bloody animal-abuse, this is.
After stopping for the day, I led a hunting party into the woods What woods? We're at the footfalls of the Misty Mountains here. Scarce in forest. and came back with three deer for 302 people? Yeah, right. and handed them to the people in our group to butcher them. After the deer were butchered we cooked the deer. That was when something strange happened. It sounded like a high pitched scream but I knew it was the Ringwraiths. How? They were gone by the time you were born. After 5 minutes of waiting we saw them. They came riding down the road beside us and they didn’t even notice us. No, they didn't bother you, since they care about the Ring for now. Not the same thing. That was a big wake up call for my men.
The next day we arrived at Rivendale and told the guards that Glorfindale Glorfindel's other twin-brother. His parents had little imagination when it came to naming children. told us to come here. Me and my men and Elfwine met Elrond. It was weird meeting my grandfather. He was a tall even among elves, he had dark hair, and sea gray eyes.
“Welcome, to Rivendale, Captain Nienna Telcontar and you riders. Please make your self comfortable. In a couple of days there Glorfindal said 'In a month.' Why is she getting invited to a Council that at this point wasn't even planned yet? will be a council and you captain and one of your friends may join you. My elves will show your riders to the barracks Rivendell has barracks? When did the Last Homely House turn into a military garrison? And again, why does no-one question the appearance of 300 Gondorian soldiers? How come Elrond isn't surprised at her A. sharing the name of a Vala, B. sharing the name of Aragorn, when he knows the ranger doesn't have children, or any siblings., and my daughter, Arwen So she'll have something to do besides being pretty. will show you captain to your rooms.” Said the Elf lord.
While Arwen (my mothers younger self No, really?) was leading me to my rooms I asked her questions about Rivendale. When we ran into my Dad’s younger self. I notice my mother blush and helped him up. They've been in a relationship for about forty years. One would think the stage of hopeless infatuation is over by now. Dad turned twords me and asked, “Who are you?”
“I am Nienna.”
“Nienna do you know how to use the sword by your side?” Father said scornfully. And Chauvinistic!Aragorn rides again! He shouldn't even be here. Oh wait, that's canon again.
He doesn’t believe I can use the sword, two he doesn’t even notice who the sword is There's no such thing as intelligent swords in Middle-earth, dearie. And Narsil doesn't get reforged until mid-December. What does this mean for the Ring of Barahir, though? There's now two copies of it around., I thought.
“Yes of course, why else would I wear it? If it’s a challenge you want it’s a challenge you’ll get.” I said as I unsheathed my blade.
“Very well, I accept your challenge.”
We squared off in the hall, it was a brilliant fight but I knew more tricks then he could guess. In the end I won. *brain breaks.* Here we have a mere chit of a girl, fighting a man who's way more experienced than she is, what with defending the North and all, who can face Ringwraiths and not die on the spot, and he loses? Because she knows tricks? Tell me, Sue, can you play dead? Now, can you go off and die? I was shown to my rooms.
Taking a bath never felt so good. It felt weird not being able to call my mom and dad by those names. What names?
I feel something more than just a headache coming on. This fic made my head explode.
*sporker gets carted off to the Houses of Healing for recovery.*
Crossposted to
deleterius under my old LJ-name.
